Internet scammers just don’t stop, do they? They must be the biggest idiots on the face of the planet, which means that their stupid little tricks shouldn’t even be able to work. However, since they are catering to even bigger idiots out there, they simply won’t just fucking go away.
Case in point: Here’s an internet scammer who can’t even detect some serious dripping sarcasm. This is the first email I got from this fetid piece of shit douche bag:
I am Kristen Lynne Boyd, a British & Northern Ireland Citizen by Nationality. I’m a 77 years old woman without a child to inherit my fortunes due to UTERINE FIBROID TUMORS CANCER which denied me pregnancy.
I have undergone several medical treatments of UTERINE FIBROID TUMORS CANCER in other to be pregnant but all efforts were in vain. I inherited my late father assets and funds, few weeks ago my doctor revealed to me that due to my UTERINE FIBROID TUMORS CANCER, I have number of weeks to live here on earth.
Though I have made several donations out most of my properties to relatives and my well wishers around but as much pressure mounted on my health, I can’t figure out what will happen next to me, Therefore, I decided to contact you, to solicit your support and assistance to kindly assist me with the distribution of these funds to Churches, Schools, Charity Homes, Less Privileges and Public Hospitals in your State.
The amount is UKGBP 11,450,000,000.00 Million British pounds is still with the Security Company in London and below is how the funds are going to be use, If you are willing and have interest to assist me on this please get in touch with me and email me for more details.
1) UKGBP 3,450,000,000 Three Million four hundred fifty thousand British pounds should be for you and your family members:
2) UKGBP 2,000,000.000 Two Million British pounds should 0be shared to the public hospital in your State:
3) UKGBP 3,000,000,000 Four Million British pounds should be shared to the charity homes and less privilege in your State:
4) UKGBP 3,000,000,000 Two Million British pounds be sharing to churches, schools in your State:
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kristen Lynne Boyd.
I decided that since one was wishing for a little bit of the “Luck o’ the Irish”, I’d adopt a Father Ted level sort of mocking tone just to see what would happen. Why? Because unlike spam scammers, these people actually read the replies so as to try to con each person individually (or their scam wouldn’t actually work).
God bless ye with a shillalegh! Did ye see a father over this little problem ye have? Oh but I don’t think I can do much without the sister’s consent at the convent nearby, but this year is their time for makin’ whisky, so I don’t think I’ll hear much from them for the next few months. I’m afraid that’ll be too long before you die, so I can only say God Bless Ireland and may ye be buried with all due honors as befits an Irish maid. I’ll pray for ye, of course – best I can do!
I figured that this was so over the top that there was no way I’d ever hear back from them. But, as we all know, these are degenerates living in Nigeria, which means they actually don’t have an education (key word being “degenerates”. Obviously this does not apply to most Nigerians who don’t go around trying to leech money from people on the internet).
But no, it wasn’t sarcastic enough for this particular diseased vermin, who promptly replied:
May the peace of God be with you.I am happy for your immediate response,confidence and willingness to help.
If you are with me and ready to assist me in carrying out this project in Honesty, Sincerity and Trust, kindly get in contact with my attorney for formal introduction and also send him your bio-data,as i have already informed him about your interest to assist me.This will enable him start preparing the legal documents necessary for making you my hire (Next of Kin) and also the release of the funds to you by the finance company.
Contact my attorney with the details below:
Contact: Barrister Mfana Tutu
I have attached my picture to this email to enable you know who i am.
My surgery will be taking place soon and i hope you will be praying for me. Please keep me informed as soon as you contact my attorney.
Kristen Lynne Boyd
Complete with the utterly hilariously fake picture of her in her hospital bed:
Too tasty not to reply:
Dear Madame and Sir,
I’m writin’ to ye from the Blarney Castle where I’ve kiss’d the stone for ye! I even saw a Father for ye problem because the sisters down the road were still busy makin’ up a batch of whisky. Ooh, but don’t they have the life here on Craggy Isle? I’ll be tellin’ ye, there’s no better life than tha’ of a father and sister.
I have to apologize because I’m not sure we understand legal documents here in Ireland. You see, we usually just let the Church preside over these matters and then, bless me heart, if they don’t feck it up somehow! Also, we still haven’t evolved past usin’ rocks fer currency – that or sheep. The Church took all our gold ages and ages ago, donchaknow? And what with the millions of orphans we have here plantin’ potatoes, we’re not sure we’ll be havin’ time to get around to printin’ money anytime soon. That means we don’t have any banks either because they’re an offense against God an the Church has to direct all funds for payments.
So, if ye be willin’, I suggest ye contact Father Ted Crilley at here Craggy Island. It’s the bit off the Western coast that nobody ever comes to. But if ye be passin’ or send a carrier pigeon, I’m sure he’ll be willin’ to talk to ye.
Best I can do! That and pray for ye again before ye die.
Are ye sure you don’t want to end it now while it’s not too hard? I’ll be sorry for ye passin’, but ye know, God takes all and I’m sure ye’ll be blessed because I kissed the blarney stone for ye!
Let’s see if this moron finally gets it, or if I have to actually start threatening their lives with insanely illegal torture which befits a listing at the Human Rights Commission – which I may actually do in the next reply or two if it keeps going on like this.
I will, however, keep you all updated if I do get a reply….